I live for yesterday,
No one cares or understands,
Don't feel pain, I'm made of steel,

I can't answer you,
If you ask me how I am 'cause I,
I don't know just how I feel.

I can feel oh...
Any pain you give me,
But I'll take it and throw it away.

I'm a hypocrite,
But that's O.K. 'cause I do like it,
But I am careful who I burn,
I am free falling,
With no parachute at all but,
I don't have any concerns.

I live for yesterday,
No one cares or understands,
Don't feel pain, I'm made of steel,

I can't answer you,
If you ask me how I am 'cause I,
I don't know just how I feel.

I can feel oh...
Any pain you give me,
But I'll take it and throw it away.

I'm a hypocrite,
But that's O.K. 'cause I do like it,
But I am careful who I burn,
I am free falling,
With no parachute at all but,
I don't have any concerns.

Hey Hey- - Well I told myself that tonight would be the night that I revamped my life on deviant, even though when I look back on all the crap I did since June there's just no possible way I could. The first week of classes just ended, but I've been at MICA for 2 weeks now and for the most part I'm feeling pretty good...

Going back a few weeks- I started out here in Baltimore 9am on August 21st as a freshman Orientation Leader- pretty much 12 hours or so after I got back from camp. The woods to a city.. it was a crazy transformation, and to be honest it wasn't that hard either. I thought I'd be like disoriented or some crap, but hey whatever... so there were about 35 people from the school hired to be Orientation Leaders, and just for the week we had to be here and do our job we also had to get to know each other and above all, work like a team. I was pretty scared to say the least when I looked at my group. The first 4 days were our "training"... we pretty much hung out, got to know the schedule and then made a bunch of signs- like 'welcome to mica' poop and what have you- plus we got split up into sub-groups to take turns operating the event for every evening (I was put in the BBQ group for the last night of orientation). So during all the sign-making and everything I got to know a guy named Andy who is also a painting major and just to point out is crazy awesome... I mean I've seen the guy around and even had classes but we hung out all week- we were kinda like, the anti-social kids. Plus we were put in the middle of RA training so everyone was always hyper excited for the freshman to move in. Yeah so the first night was awesome- we all got 10 freshman and had to play like getting-to-know-you games with them... mine? they all hated life and were dying to leave. Ah, art kids, it makes me enjoy being hired for this sorta thing. A lot of them were really punked out and dismal looking- I'm anticipating this year should be good.

So the first night was like.. um not worth mentioning- the 2nd night was karaoke... and although I wasn't really in charge of anything, my roommate Ann and I crashed the party and pretty much just made asses of ourselves. It was awesome- we both sang Bon Jovi and then later on, all these New Jersey kids were like, rock on dude... I was like, yeah, New Jersey. woot.

yes, and I was sober.

The 3rd night I wasn't really sure what I was getting myself into- ok so its this MICA tradition they refer to as XXXtreme Bingo... and one can only imagine what is involved... pretty much its under this huge tent and there are tables everywhere except the middle which is a stage. The DJ is over in another corner and the MC (otherwise known as the ball-puller and the prize giver guy) hangs out with him... and so our job as OL's was like, go dance slutty and just get the freshman involved... so the DJ played all this dance music, and yes he even played some Michael Jackson my very favorite, and I must even admit that I felt uber slutty. Even tho as a Jersey girl it was like a "1" on the slut-scale. But I had this miniskirt on and my clunky mary-janes with knee highs with a tube top, pearls and a canary yellow scally cap.. oh and huge elton john sun glasses, yeah I was awesome... (actually I got Andy to pick me up because I felt awkward walking 10 blocks through Baltimore to get there, and 100 feet into my walk to his car some redneck was like, hey hey hey looking for a good time? and I'm like, yes, I'm a prostitute, lets get it on. the end.) and everyone was out of control.. there were 2 male strippers there wearing like vinyl thongs, hahaha I won't really get into that. But its like 4 hours of sweaty dancing, pretending you're having a good time sorta thing. I even got the freshman to dance up on stage, yeah I was abusing my power but it was awesome.

I guess to conclude this whole shindig was the BBQ but I'm not going to lie- I didn't stay for the whole thing. Too many annoying people were there.. its true. So I'm actually going to bed now but I'll probably end up writing another entry shortly about my time in school... because although its been a week I have to admit its been a fun-filled one.

goodnight.

I can't even believe how long its been since I last visited deviant. Its just a crazy summer which will finally end around 9 am tomorrow when I have to drag my ass to my first class for the semester... hmm... but looking back... I haven't really had time to even sort out my thoughts for the summer- and let me tell you its been really busy and crazy and -yes- emotional. Maybe I can save that for another day when I'm not on a public computer and counting down til when I have to leave to play in a volleyball tournament against the new freshmen. Thats right- this last week has been dedicated to the freshmen orientation- somehow last semester I got this idea to apply to be an Orientation Leader (OL) and through this whole application process and interview I got hired. I mean, the pay isn't the best, but I have free meals so far and I got 2 free T-shirts. Yeah, its nice. I'm so burned out. I'm sorry for all those that read this and are like, what is craps name is going on? Ok for all those that don't know, I sold my soul to this sleepaway camp all summer located in northwest New Jersey by the water gap. And for those people that think New Jersey is nothing but an industrial wasteland, I really just want to point out that if you ever meet someone from Jersey don't ever say that cuz you might just get your ass handed to you. But anyway, this was practically the wilderness, and thus is why I havent been on deviant since like June. I was a camp counselor out there and every week we'd get new kids to hang out with, for those people that don't realize the politics... the staff there (about 80 people) are what you'd consider a family. I am honestly in love with all of them-its a relationship I've never had before, and I know this sounds so friggin stupid, but its a pretty awesome feeling to be able to rely on just about everyone- to know everyone really cares about each other and above all to know everyone is so different yet so alike in terms of why they're there in the first place. I'm in love with my job.

To check out pictures you should hit up Tucker's site at:

[link]

(yes thats me with the oreo on my face, and no I'm not seizuring.) for lack of time, I'll explain a lot more soon.

Hope everyones doing well, and its awesome to be back.

To quote my roommate, Jess... "To just believe because it gives you something else to do-- something bigger than yourself, something you will never be able to answer. It will humble you every time.. and never cease to bring an ache in your heart with even less reasoning then the feeling that put it there. The less you know the more you feel.."

I've only been home for less than an hour, popped on the computer and read all those deviant messages I've been missing in the last week. This quote came from this beautiful rant and honestly it just made me feel like someone understood- like someone just pinpointed the meaning of life. This past week at Johnsonburg for staff training has been nothing short of amazing-- crap, where do I even begin? It's been 6 days and I feel like within that time I've been sedated and molded into a humble compassionate person- something I haven't been in the past year or so. My family at camp is more than I could ever begin to explain- 70 of the most amazing people I've honestly ever met. But sitting there, alone, looking at the undisturbed trees while the silence created this lucid incredible lull led me to just believe. Not only to justify this belief in a higher being but in the capabilities I possess as a human being. It oddly enough gave me a sort of power that I hadn't felt in a very long time... questioning my happiness. Why is it that from September to May this cloud of overwhelming grief causes me to become someone I'm not? Upset, depressed, tired, uninvolved, unwilling, dismal. I came to the conclusion that honestly I am not happy at MICA- that something about this place just makes me wish I was somewhere else, or that for the first times in my life when I'm 20 years old I'm aching for my home. For New Jersey. For something other than making dispicable art with even more horrible assignments backing it... or maybe just for that chance to feel accepted, instead of the constant criticism tied to work I have no room in my heart for.
I know this entry is really depressing, and it's not so much that I'm ready to jump ship. Maybe I made a mistake... but how will I ever know...